A Reason to Stay

I didn't hear you leave
I wonder how am I still here
and I don't wanna move a thing
it might change my memories

oh, I am what I am
I do what I want
but I can't hide

I won't go, I won't sleep, I can't breathe, until you're resting here with me
I won't leave, I can't hide, I cannot be, until you're resting here with me

My Favourite Song-quote recently

"I'd like to change my point of view. I feel so lonely, I'm waiting for you...but nothing ever happens, and I wonder.

I'm stepping around in a dessert of joy, maybe anyhow I'll get another toy, and everything will happen...and you'll wonder" Fool's Garden-Lemon Tree

"They say that I should want to stand for what I don't believe. I'm sick and thinking to myself, what kind a man could live?" Lobo-Big Red Kite

"He's lost his will, he can't decide. He doesn't know who's right or wrong. But there's one thing that he sure of, this has been going on too long" Lily Allen-Him

Summerschool

Ga biasanya saya nulis blog dengan bahasa negeri sendiri begini.
Entah kenapa setiap kali menulis sesuatu yang sifatnya non-akademis, lebih enak kalau pakai bahasa bule, kayaknya lebih eskpresif aja (atau malah bisa menyembunyikan maksud dan tujuan yang sebenarnya? hehe)
Tapi kali ini saya lagi ingin nulis blog dengan bahasa Indonesia yang ga baku. Jadi, postingan kali ini memang agak beda dari biasanya, ga cuma dari segi bahasa, tapi juga isi. Postingan kali ini lebih pengen ke arah curhat ga jelas (lah, emang biasanya tentang apa?)

Lanjut S2 keluar negeri, seperti yang jadi impian banyak orang yang saya kenal di dalam circle of friend saya, bukan menjadi impian saya sama sekali. Ada beribu alasan kenapa begitu, yang kalau dijelaskan panjang x lebar x tinggi selain ga selesai-selesai, belum tentu juga orang akhirnya ngerti. Yang jelas, keputusan saya untuk tidak mau mencari link2 atau beasiswa S2 keluar negeri sudah bulat dan merupakan keputusan yang saya pertimbangkan sejak lama sekali, lebih dari setahun yang lalu. Tapi, meskipun ga minat lanjut S2 keluar negeri, bukan berarti saya sama sekali ga minat sekolah di luar negeri looh...

Summerschool-ing. Yup, itu jawabannya. Saya memang ga mau ngejar gelar sebenarnya, tapi ngejar ilmu (uhuk-uhuk). Bahkan sebenarnya, for the sake of knowledge, saya malah pingin belajar yang lain selain ekonomi untuk ke depannya, jadi nih ilmu ga lagi dikembangkan ke analisis permintaan-penawaran, IS-LM, Solow Growth Model, dan kawan2-nya seperti dulu pas jaman S1, tapi mungkin ke psychology theory atau cabang2 social sciences lainnya. Tapi mengingat saya pingin jadi pengajar, maka kayaknya mau tak mau, suka tak suka, rela tak rela emang mesti punya gelar S2 Ekonomi. Well, intinya, dalam hidup ini saya pikir gelar akademis ga hakiki, dan oleh karenanya, summerschool menjadi alternatif saya. Enak toh, belajar paling cuma sekian bulan aja, tanpa gelar, tapi dapet ilmu, sekalian jalan2 pula, hehehe...

Pingin banget sebenarnya summerschool-ing ekonometrika. Ga umum memang, tapi bagi saya, sayang kalo summerschool itu cuma untuk belajar isu yang sifatnya "general" seperti conflict studies, humanity, governance, dsb, apalagi kalo case study atau ruang lingkup pelajarannya bukan ttg Indonesia, karena itu to some extent bisa dipelajari sendiri atau bahkan akan internalized ke dalam materi kuliah post graduate nantinya. Mendingan ngambil summerschool yang sifatnya tools aja sekalian, seperti dynamic optimization mungkin (ada ga ya?) atau topik2 econometrics (sebenarnya kadang saya bingung, saya tuh S.E. sarjana ekonomi atau sarjana ekonomet, hahahaahahaha).

Pas lagi iseng siang bolong hari sabtu gini buka2 blog yang udah debuan gara2 jarang dibuka ini, seperti biasa iseng main ke blog tetangga, dan tetangga terdekat saya (virtual maupun bukan) adalah Saudari Azia yang memang punya passion yang ga biasa terhadap Belanda entah kenapa. Nah, langsung deh ada link kompetiblog yang ngasih beasiswa summerschool ke Belanda dengan syarat nulis sesuatu yang menginspirasi orang untuk sekolah ke Belanda. Menarik, apalagi hadiah keduanya netbook dan yang ketiga iPod touch (mayanlah,hihi). Tapi kendala saya adalah:

1. Helloooo....I know nothing about Dutch, sodara2!!! Besides Arjen Robben, lampu Philips, Edam Cheese, cokelat Van Houten, dan semua cerita ttg penjajahan itu. So, how could I write anything about Dutch Innovation at all??? Memang mereka berinovasi dalam hal apa? Apa hebatnya mereka itu? hahahahaahahah

2. Salah satu kriteria penjuriannya adalah "Interaksi pemilik blog dengan pembacanya termasuk promosi tulisan melalui Facebook dan twitter". Hoalah...saya paling tidak jago dalam hal beginian. Udah nih tulisan kalaupun jadi sangat berpotensi menjadi tulisan kelas "alay", dan....saya biasanya payah dalam menggaet orang membaca tulisan saya (iya ga ya?) dan kalaupun mereka membaca tulisan saya..."mereka" alias teman2 FB saya itu biasanya malah akan kasih komen yang OOT bgt...jadi bukannya mempromosikan tulisan saya di mata juri, tapi yang ada bisa-bisa malah cuma bikin para juri geleng2 kepala, hahaha

3. Ini yang paling sensitif: me lack of passion about Dutch. Kebalikannya teman saya, saya sangat biasa2 aja sama negara yang satu ini. Kalau saya disuruh bikin tulisan semacam ini tentang negara lain seperti Italy atau yang lainnya, saya mungkin lebih punya ide. Tapi Dutch??? umm...sekarat ide!!! ><

tapiii....ada beberapa program yang menarik hati saya di Utrecht Univ. seperti Multivariate Analysis atau Multilevel Analysis....jadi pengen...sejenak melepaskan kehidupan di Depok dan Salemba,hwehehehe.... gimana dong jadinya ini saudara2??? Aku mauuuu....tapi maluuuuuu.......

(btw, bahasa saya udah nyaingin cincay laurah belom??? udah kayak es campur ini... wkwkwkwk)

Look

Look at the corner of your room, maybe you'll find the dust
Look at some of those photographs, maybe you'll find the emptiness
Look at the stories I love, maybe you'll find out what I'm talking about
Look at the people around you, maybe you'll find out how much they care about you

Look out to your soul sincerely, maybe you'll find the honesty
Look out to me within, maybe you'll find some place that you can fill in

and, look out again to your faith, maybe you'll pray for Him immediately to be with me only...

For the love of my life, whenever I may find you

I'm not looking for someone to talk to, I've got my friends, I'm more than okay
I've got more than a girl could wish for, I live my dreams, but it's not all they say
still I believe
I'm missing something real
I need someone who really sees me...

Don't wanna wake up alone anymore...
still believing you'll walk through my door
all I need is to know it's for sure, then I'll give....all the love in the world

I often wondered if love's an illusion
just to get you through the loneliest days...
I can't criticized it, I had no hesitation
my imagination just stole me away...

Still I believe...I'm missing something real...
I need someone who really sees me

don't wanna wake up alone anymore...
still believing you'll walk through my door
all I need is to know it's for sure, then I'll give....all the love in the world

Love for a lifetime, not for a moment, so how could I throw it away?
I'm only human, and nights grow colder, with no one who loves me that way...
yeah I need someone who really sees me...

Hey I won't wake up alone anymore...
still believing you'll walk through my door...
you'll reach for me and I'll know it's for sure
then I'll give....all the love in the world...


for my future hubby, wherever I may find you...

Direct

Is it wise enough to say that I'm better off without you?
Is it cool enough to fake? Coz all that I've been breathing is about you.
Is it cool enough to flow from the head until my toe
but somehow I don't really know, coz all that I've been doing is without you

Is that you inside my head?
Is that you inside who said I've become someone else

and on and on my mind keep says "This is not..." but I believe that this is where it ends.
and on and on my mind is made up that this weird never stops...
alone....again...alone...again...

Is that you inside my head?

Pinkerton: The Rivers' End

Pinkerton, the second album of Weezer, which was released at September 1996, is the most enchanting album of them for me. It was released just after Rivers Cuomo, the frontman of Weezer, had begun his study at Harvard University. Despite its bearish selling, actually one of the worst selling album of Weezer, it's really emotional and personal that make it the best Weezer album ever for me.

This album is named after the the character B.F. Pinkerton from Puccini's opera Madame Butterfly, and the album plays as a concept album based loosely around the opera. Just like the opera itself, this album is much affected by the Japanese culture. Its cover is Kambara yoru no yuki ("Night Snow at Kambara"), a print by Japanese ukiyo-e artist Hiroshige. The Japanese concept of this album may have been chosen based on the Japanese content of the songs inside.

Rivers' passion about Japanese culture (and woman) is no secret anymore. He's really up into the Japanese culture and sometimes he even sings one or two lines of Japanese nursery rhymes in Weezer concert. However, his passion about Japanese things in this album was quite specific, since it mainly talked about love. His personal style of writing in this album revealed his sensitive side as a normal man, who wants to love and being loved by a woman of his life. His searching of a soul-mate finally paid off about ten years after this album release, for he was finally married to a Japanese (oh, finally, the Japanese again) woman and settle down, just like he wanted to be in this album. Here is some of the songs of Pinkerton that I loved the most:

1. Across the Sea

Actually, this is my most favorite song in this album, maybe the best Weezer song ever for me. I really love the story behind this song. This song is based on Rivers' true story about a Japanese fan who send letters to him. Just like another ordinary girl, this girl wanted to know anything about Rivers. His birthday, his hobby, his favorite food (well, at that time, there was no facebook whatsoever so you can't guess and has to do some old fashioned things like sending letters). Rivers, however, fell in love with this girl just because of reading her letters. So, he started to have a fantasy about this girl but at the same time realizing the truth that he would never be with her, as he really did not know any real thing about the girl. Well, she could be a mad man and pretended to be a teenage girl, who knows? The girl said that she was 18 year old, but as Rivers said, she could even be just 13 or 14 year old and pretend to be older. Anyway, besides the physical distance between them, there was also an age gap, since Rivers was 26 at that time, and he felt that he was too older for her. All of those thought seemed frustrated him a lot and he pitied himself on this song, emotionally.

After all, in my opinion, this song was about nothing but a loneliness. How come a rich and famous man fell in love so deeply to a girl that he doesn't even know anything about, just because some letters, if he is not in a deep despair of searching a true love?


2. El Scorcho

This song is started by a wacky drum beat and then you can hear Brian Bell (the guitarist) said "El Scorcho...Rock and Roll" with awkward voice. That witty beginning is followed by hilarious look that Rivers made in the video clip and then a "swear" word about a girl. Yeah, this is another song about a girl, (again) a Japanese girl. It was about a man who fell in love with a girl but didn't know what to do, and so did the girl. So, it was like a dead-end love story. But, this song has a sequel, so we can get another piece of the story from that. Its sequel was believed to be "Falling for You" track. Both of those songs used the same phrase to express the feeling, that is "falling for you".

3. Pink Triangle

Although "El Scorcho" and "Falling for You" are connected, but in this album, they are separated with this song. This is another favorite song of mine from Weezer and also based on Rivers' personal experience. As the songs above explained, at that time, Rivers was (at least) a bit lonely man who was looking for his true love. Then this song is started with "When I'm stable long enough, I start to look around for love". Yes, after officially had been a Harvard student, Rivers started to look for a girl in his college. It is said that he met several "potential" girls that he did not brave enough to make a move into. However, he finally found a girl in his campus whom he thought he search for. Unfortunately, that girl is a lesbian and so Rivers again came into a heartache. That's this song is all about.

4. Falling for You

As explained before, this is a sequel of "El Scorcho". In this song, the man in question finally has summoned the courage to speak to the girl, but he is now questioning himself on whether he deserves his position, and how to deal with it. The girl is said to be much younger than him, so that he was a little bit afraid of that condition, although he likes that girl too much. The man also started to think to marry that young girl, "get fat and old" with her as he was really desperate to settle down. However, their age gap made him feel so tangled since he felt that the girl may deserve a brighter future ahead, and also he thought that he, as an "old goat", didn't deserve to be a man for such a "young chick". Therefore, the man is afraid that he is falling for her, as the song said "my baby I'm afraid I'm falling for you...". Quite funny,though.

5. Butterfly

Finally, this personal album is ended by this song. "Butterfly" is told from Pinkerton's point of view in the opera Madame Butterfly. Known for its sincere lyrics and simplicity, "Butterfly" remains Weezer's only completely acoustic song to be commercially released.(Source : www.weezerpedia.com)

The album is actually containing ten songs, but here, I only give a review of my favorite tracks. You can also try to hear another songs from this album which are also good. As I said before, despite its emotional background, this album had a commercial failure. Rivers said that he would never want to write with such personal style anymore. And yes, I didn't find another Weezer songs that has such personal style like this album's anymore, and it make me love this album even more.

NB: All of the italic lines between brackets in this post were taken from its lyrics.

Here is "Across the Sea" for your eagerness to finish reading this post. Thank you very much!