“...nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be so hard”
For all this time, I’ve been a person who always follow my head and almost never listen to my heart. I don’t even know how sweet a love could be. I’ve always been a people watcher when it comes to love. It’s like watching drama on television and in some scenes you can even cry or be very touched, but you’ll never be in the movie. So I just give a (big) smile when I see an old man holding his wife’s hand (who is also old, of course) in the street, a man who try to sell whatever he can sell at the train, just to feed his family, or a father who hold his youngster gently at malls. Wait, did I just mention the love shown by MEN?
As I said, I’ve been so heartless before. But somehow, lately, I feel very touched when I see the love shown by men. I don’t know why. It even tears me up while smiling when I see a father trying to calm his crying baby at the train. Maybe it’s time for me to “get into the movie”. However, to some extent, I really hate to be that sensitive.
Why do I hate to feel the love? That’s the question I’m trying to answer. And that’s not easy as I feel like I’ve never been in love, but I think I know just what love is. If you think that my older posts in this blog were about love, maybe you’re wrong. That person to whom “I fell in love with” in this blog is the one to whom “my brain fell in love with” actually. No, it doesn’t mean that he is a torture genius scientist or something like that (just like this post titled), he doesn’t even like to go to school very much and had been graduated with just “fine” GPA. But, as I saw him occasionally around my second semester in college, my brain started to calculate various complicated permutations. And then, as I continued to do the research about him for the next three years after that, my brain decided to fall in love with him.
I know it may seem a little bit odd to do the research about your crush, but it’s just the beginning. I even try to model him! And you know, according to my research, he is so damn hot. He’s got almost every mental checklist that I think I need from a man. He’s my opposite in many aspects. I’m quite flexible while he’s rigidly discipline. I’m very scientific while he’s very “snobby”. We must come from a different pole. However, according to my brain – and it has been argued by the latest natural science that a woman will more likely be attracted by an “opposite” man, vice versa – he is all that I need to answer my nature call. And for the worse, I even think that if we had a baby, that would be a beautiful perfect baby. His DNA just seemed to fits mine.
As my brain started to be overwhelmed by him, finally my heart follows it. I, then, after more than two years of researching him, felt very blue to find him with another girl. My jealousy frustrated me. I cried in my bed sometimes just to wonder why such a “perfect” person for me was so far away from me. Then I realized something. It’s not love. It’s just an estimation result of a complicated model based on a very odd and long primary data. And I don’t feel very blue anymore.
“…question of science, science in progress, do not speak as loud as my heart…”
This business is really lame, and I feel grateful just to be able to mend my broken heart (or mind). Feeling blue by a broken mind (or heart) have hold my productivity back, and by mending it, my productivity also boosts. That’s why I don’t really like to be sensitive. Then it came a period where I handled several job projects and I felt very determined. I was proud of my job accomplishments at that time until something happen. It’s a feeling. In the middle of my brain’s superiority, I feel something. My heart started to try to speak.
Emptiness. That’s all my heart tries to tell me about. Yeah, I do feel the emptiness. I started to wonder what I’m going to be, about my purpose in life. I’m a (I hope, I try to be) religious person, so that my purpose in life has to be based on the God’s will, as I believed. I lived my life to obey Him. Then I realized that according to my religion, it’s being a good wife, a good mother, and a good human being for those around me that matters much. It never mentioned being a successful career woman, a genius professor, or a multimillionaire as the purpose in life. Therefore, getting married is a part (one of the biggest part) of the God’s will. Anyone who tries to deny it will just find the emptiness.
NB: The two Italic lines in brackets are for the courtesy of Coldplay “Scientist”. The song is given below
As I said, I’ve been so heartless before. But somehow, lately, I feel very touched when I see the love shown by men. I don’t know why. It even tears me up while smiling when I see a father trying to calm his crying baby at the train. Maybe it’s time for me to “get into the movie”. However, to some extent, I really hate to be that sensitive.
Why do I hate to feel the love? That’s the question I’m trying to answer. And that’s not easy as I feel like I’ve never been in love, but I think I know just what love is. If you think that my older posts in this blog were about love, maybe you’re wrong. That person to whom “I fell in love with” in this blog is the one to whom “my brain fell in love with” actually. No, it doesn’t mean that he is a torture genius scientist or something like that (just like this post titled), he doesn’t even like to go to school very much and had been graduated with just “fine” GPA. But, as I saw him occasionally around my second semester in college, my brain started to calculate various complicated permutations. And then, as I continued to do the research about him for the next three years after that, my brain decided to fall in love with him.
I know it may seem a little bit odd to do the research about your crush, but it’s just the beginning. I even try to model him! And you know, according to my research, he is so damn hot. He’s got almost every mental checklist that I think I need from a man. He’s my opposite in many aspects. I’m quite flexible while he’s rigidly discipline. I’m very scientific while he’s very “snobby”. We must come from a different pole. However, according to my brain – and it has been argued by the latest natural science that a woman will more likely be attracted by an “opposite” man, vice versa – he is all that I need to answer my nature call. And for the worse, I even think that if we had a baby, that would be a beautiful perfect baby. His DNA just seemed to fits mine.
As my brain started to be overwhelmed by him, finally my heart follows it. I, then, after more than two years of researching him, felt very blue to find him with another girl. My jealousy frustrated me. I cried in my bed sometimes just to wonder why such a “perfect” person for me was so far away from me. Then I realized something. It’s not love. It’s just an estimation result of a complicated model based on a very odd and long primary data. And I don’t feel very blue anymore.
“…question of science, science in progress, do not speak as loud as my heart…”
This business is really lame, and I feel grateful just to be able to mend my broken heart (or mind). Feeling blue by a broken mind (or heart) have hold my productivity back, and by mending it, my productivity also boosts. That’s why I don’t really like to be sensitive. Then it came a period where I handled several job projects and I felt very determined. I was proud of my job accomplishments at that time until something happen. It’s a feeling. In the middle of my brain’s superiority, I feel something. My heart started to try to speak.
Emptiness. That’s all my heart tries to tell me about. Yeah, I do feel the emptiness. I started to wonder what I’m going to be, about my purpose in life. I’m a (I hope, I try to be) religious person, so that my purpose in life has to be based on the God’s will, as I believed. I lived my life to obey Him. Then I realized that according to my religion, it’s being a good wife, a good mother, and a good human being for those around me that matters much. It never mentioned being a successful career woman, a genius professor, or a multimillionaire as the purpose in life. Therefore, getting married is a part (one of the biggest part) of the God’s will. Anyone who tries to deny it will just find the emptiness.
NB: The two Italic lines in brackets are for the courtesy of Coldplay “Scientist”. The song is given below
