Pinkerton Diaries: a Diary of an Ordinary Man

NB: Pinkerton is Weezer's second studio album released at 1996. However, this post is not an album review, it's a book review :)

I have reviewed this Weezer album before on this blog. However, somehow I want to write something about this one-of-the-greatest-rock-album-ever again. It's because lately, when I randomly surfed the web about that favorite band of mine, I found an article that Rivers Cuomo (Weezer's frontman, lead singer, lead songwriter, and lead guitarist), the one that act as a Pinkerton's narrator, will finally open the book of his personal diary from Pinkerton era, and I was just...wooww...just because that deeply personal album also remarked an unspoken deep meaning to me.

So, let me start reviewing the Pinkerton, again, from the perspective of mine. Pinkerton is a journal of a frustrated confused man craving the love of his life and his unattainable, unreachable girls. It tells me the story of how hard it could be to find a perfect fit of yours in this life. It started with the realization of what a human crave most from a relationship, that the relationship is way more than a physical need. Then the man tells the world that he want to shy away from a girl who captured his attention just because he's afraid of being hurt anymore. He justified his fear by keeping a thought that what he felt for the girl was nothing more than temporarily sexual attraction, but in the end of the song he felt like he was going crazy then he asked someone to knock him on the head just to make him sane. That's the story of "Why Bother?" (one of my most favorite track on this album).

The man is a kind of public figure that he received so many fan-letters. One of those letters was capturing his heart and he fell in love with the girl who sent the letters to him though he didn't even know her. It's the story of "Across the Sea" and the review could be found on my older post.

Then comes another adventure of love for that man. This time, he fell in love all over again to a girl. He then strongly felt that the girl also felt the same way like he did. However, this man didn't have enough courage to approach the girl and so did the girl. Then it was like a dead-end love story. (El Scorcho)

The man then turned and looked the other way where he find another girl that impressed him much. He even finally thought to marry this girl, but unfortunately, he found this girl to be lesbian. (Pink Triangle)

Finally, the man in the question have summoned the courage to speak to "El Scorcho" girl, and yes, he's right....that girl also fell in love with him for all of this time. However, this man somehow felt like he didn't deserve that girl. He spilled out his irrational fears of falling for her from the awkward feeling that he was a lot older than the girl and another fears...but yes he, again, started to think to settle down, this time with the "El Scorcho" girl. My favorite part of this chapter is when the man said (on his mind, maybe) to the girl that he wanted to "....get fat and old with you". That's really a sweet thought a man can have :) (Fall For You)

However, this album is closed by a song about a man who abandoned a girl that he loves so much just because he couldn't take it. It's not really clear what kind of situation that made him had to leave her, but he said sorry sincerely...over and over again. My favorite line in this ending part is when the man said "I guess you're as real as me. Maybe I can't live without, maybe I need fantasy, life of chasing butterfly. I 'm sorry for what I did..." ("Butterfly". I have once posted this line in my Facebook status sometime around the early part of this year and was shocked by the responses of it).

So, the conclusion is, the man (a.k.a the Pinkerton's narrator), in my opinion is a pathetic miserable frustrated far-from-fearless guy chasing around his true love...but it's just so humanistic. The Pinkerton's narrator is no one but Rivers Cuomo himself, so we can guess how personal and precious this album for him and how it felt like knowing that your personal art was very bad in the eye of people that you think would like it.

Now, more than a decade later since that album came out, many Weezer fans realized the deeply emotion of that album and considered it as one of the best album Weezer ever released. Rolling Stones Magazine even re-review that album and uprising its star to the maximum (3 star out of 5 in 1996 and become 5 star out of 5 in 2004). Rivers also had been through many changing seasons of his life along that time and thank God he is now happily married and having a 3 years-old cute daughter.

However, as he looked back on his pasts, Pinkerton remained a kind of darkly emotional session of Rivers' life that he could not remove, rather, he open those pages again this year with a brand new existing circumstances of his life (as a married man, as a father, and still as a frontman of one of the biggest rock band on this planet) through what he called as "The Pinkerton Diaries", the book containing about 200 pages that he wrote and will be launched this year. Sure I will be waiting for that book to be published and very looking forward to read that...or in other words, I HAVE to read that book! Not only the book, Rivers will also release his third solo album titled "Alone" (I have the first two "Alone" album by Rivers) this year, this time, it will be more about "Pinkerton" session. Weezer also will release their compilation of demos and other unreleased materials, again, from around "Pinkerton" era at November 2010. Their album will called "Death to False Metal" (and I HAVE to have this album also).

Why this Pinkerton things amaze and amuse me so much is what I don't know up to this time. I think I've never been through that kind of darkly emotional session in my life though I have passed several heartaches, and in my opinion, regarding its passiveness and lack of courage, Pinkerton was still written from the male perspective, and I am female, so I'm not that way to some extent. In addition, I think I haven't related with any man who have been through "Pinkerton" session on his life (maybe I have but I deceive, or I have but unrealized). Hence, I don't know how this Pinkerton things affected me so much, but somehow I feel like this is (gonna be) something to me, so I don't ignore my curiosity. For me, Pinkerton is all about an ordinary man that is craving love so desperately in his life, but he's nothing but desperate frustrated confused man with all his passiveness and lack of courage. He may considered himself as a man without an adequate appeal, jerk, insane, insecure, and didn't deserve to be with a good girl, though he wanted it so much.....but most of all, in my opinion, he's just an ordinary man. Yes, he is a geek, nerdy, weird, quirky, pathetic guy. Although he is far from perfect (who was perfect by the way?), but he was handing his heart to the girl that he loves. It's just nothing but a sweet white love, although he has a lot of trouble expressing it....but that kind of love will ask you nothing, will hide itself from the world, so that it will be just for you. Maybe it's all that I need. Maybe that's why I love Pinkerton's narrator so much.

Quest

Last year, I had a dream about something precious
Something that had never been mine
Something that I know from the start that it would leads to nothing

Then, I left it behind

no heart feeling whatsoever

This year, my life has taken me to the point that I've never imagine before

All of these things were never in my plan

Although these circumstances often hurt me bad, I know that I must go on

Although it seems that everything that I want is taken away from me, but who I got to blame?

nobody but me

Next year, of course I don't have any idea about where my life will go

But I'm sure He knows everything about my motives

He knows me, He knows my heart, my mind, my life quest, regardless what the world say about me

and I'm sure that He saves the best for me

so my only hope about next year's circumstances will be

nothing but no frontiers whatsoever :)

NB: Do you think that all of those blog posts in this blog explains MUCH about me? Sorry, but you're wrong, folks! Yes, they try to explain the corners of my mind, but I'm just like a diamond, this blog only reveals one side of me of much more, and I'm not sharing as much as you think I am. To know me is to confront me instead, slowly, gradually, extensively. No other way.

Someone I Need

so much craziness surrounding me

so much going on, it gets hard to breathe

when all my faith has gone, you bring it back to me

...you make it real for me

when I'm not sure of my priorities

when I've lost site of where I meant to be

...you make it real for me

and I'm running to you, baby

coz you are the only one who save me

that's why I've been missing you lately

coz you make it real for me

when my head is strong, but my heart is weak

I'm full of hurricanes and uncertainties

when I can't find the words, you teach my heart to speak

...you make it real for me

everybody's talking in words I don't understand

you got to be the only one who knows just who I am

you're shining in the distance, I hope I can make it through

coz the only place that I want to be...is right back home with you

I guess this so much more...I have to learn

but if you're here with me, I know which way to turn

you always give me somewhere...somewhere I can run

...you make it real for me

Music and Lyrics by James Morrison

... if only You give me the one who make it real for me, then I hope that I know that's the time when I will search no more.

Geek Rock

As this page suggested, me is the person who appreciates music very much...but lately, after carefully considering many trustworthy and reliable music sources...I found that part of my taste in music is categorized as "Geek Rock"...Heck!

Why are they categorized as "geek"? I mean, yes I like Weezer very much...and Rivers (the frontman of Weezer) is a lovable guy. You know, he's a very talented musician, he makes many great compositions (the Blue Album is indeed the strong evidence of it), and he's a Harvard graduate....with a straight-A-student reputation. Is he geek? I think he's a genius,hehe...

and I also like Ozma, the band from Pasadena, CA. Their songs are really meaningful and strong in lyrics, I think. I also like The Strokes, White Stripes, and other "geek" rockers.

But I don't get it why they are categorized as "geek".

Is it because their often-off-the-key notes on their songs? But, hey, it's not coincidence. That's just EXACTLY how they perform the keys.

Is it because their lyrics is not as "flirt" as it should be? But, hey, they don't need to blabbing the words of love all around...think about their lyrics for a while, then you'll be surprised how the simple truth could reveal such deep revelations.

or...is it simply because they are overly unconventionally smart so that it's hard for many people (me also, because sometimes it took me months to understand the meaning of their songs, musically and wordy) to just get them?

but....whatever....Geek Rock for life! Rock on! \m/

Supertstitious One

I'm not a person who believe in the superstitious ones...I consider myself (and always try to be) a true believer...but, yes, I believe with all my heart all of the supernatural things, that we are just a small fraction of this universe, and there's so many things in this life that happen all around us without being able to be notifiable enough for our five senses.

I believe that what's coming from the heart will always reach the heart, too...no matter odds it would be. Then I start to consult my heart for many things, something that I never ever bother before.

and my heart starts speaking. Here's what it said to me this night:
- I'm on the right track. Yes, I slipped through off the track sometimes, but I have come back for more immediately

- I'm swimming through different river than before, now. However I don't know whether it would end up at the same damn dark blue ocean again, just like before, because all that I can see through now is just a plain dark blue ocean ahead.

- I still can remember what it felt like in the middle of the dark ocean. It's calm...overly calm. It's dark, too. No wind, no waves, no light. I couldn't feel anything. I wasn't sad. I wasn't happy either, of course. I couldn't even try to do anything because nothing left to try. I was totally numb.

Do I want to be on that situation again? No. Of course all I want to reach in the end is the island in the sun....where everything feels so fine.

But let me look the situation now...

- My current river flows on the same line with my old rivers
- It combines the "nightmares" derived from my old rivers
- The more I see the less I know, the more I like to let it go

yet my heart still says nothing about whether I would end up at the same ocean like before, same darkness, same nothingness.

but I remember one thing about being in the middle of dark blue ocean. I still could feel the rain starts falling...streaming down my face...freezing me inside...so I hope I won't stop praying when the waters fall, 'coz standing in the rain ain't gonna leave me dry :)

PS: Aarggh...it's 11:19...nobody is missing me now, the superstitious one said :)

Angin Malam

Masih malam Piala Dunia 2010 hari ini...entah kenapa aku tak tertarik sedikit juga untuk ikut merasakan hangatnya euforia Greece vs Nigeria...
Bagiku malam ini agak dingin, dengan suhu 26 derajat Celsius saja di luar sana, menurut termometer di tab-browser-ku...tapi angin malam yang berhembus semilir menurunkannya beberapa derajat, kurasa...
Pikiranku entah mengapa melayang...jauh ke belakang...ke masa-masa belasan tahun yang lalu...hati ini jadi ikut terasa dingin...
Hati ini pun mencari...kepingan pikiran yang terjatuh di masa itu, di mana akal sehat dan segala rasionalisme yang dapat terkomputasi oleh sel-sel otakku sekarang tak bisa menembusnya...sedikit saja ingatan tentang itu...sekeping suasana yang terbesit di hati...
Ada yang kemudian menggelitik melintas hati ini....bayangan tentang hari Minggu
bayangan tentang es krim
bayangan tentang dendangan itu
dan aku pun temukan lagi lagu itu....Angin Malam....

Aku putar...ia pun memutar kembali memoriku tentang masa itu...membawaku tamasya ke sana...jauh meninggalkan semua hal yang terjadi sekarang...lagu itu membuatku tersenyum...aku bisa mendengarkannya semalaman ini, kurasa....

dan lagu itu pun telah menjadi angin malam-ku malam ini...persis seperti yang dapat diungkapkannya melalui untaian sajak tak terikatnya...

angin malam yang berhembus di tengah malam yang pekat memang bisa berarti lebih dari satu hal.
ia bisa membuat malam menjadi semakin dingin
ia bisa membuat malam sedikit membuatmu tersenyum
ia bisa jadi bukan apa-apa...hanya halusinasimu yang berharap bahwa malam tidak hanya pekat


*by the way...this is my first post ever written in "Bahasa Indonesia yang baik dan benar". Congratulation to me :)

10 Great (est?) Love Songs

This post is inspired by one of the thread in Kaskus. I then start to think that it would be nice if I do the similar thing in my blog...and, as my blog title suggested...it would be very relevant. It's not an easy task for me to list down my favorite tracks because I simply could not make them ranked. Each of them rules my heart and mind in very different ways...and I may make some kind of this post several times in the future. So, as the beginning of World Cup 2010, ups...as the beginning of my top-listed-songs posts...let me let you know about 10 songs that I consider as the best love songs. Here we go.

10. Rainy Day - The CorrsYes, you're right. I have The Corrs at 10th position. I'm currently really enjoying their songs and having theirs on my everyday playlist, although they had been my favorite since I was in Junior High School. This song represent me so well these days, I just feel so. It makes this song so much "terngiang-ngiang" in my head recently, alongside many other of The Corrs'. Moreover, I really feel that my voice recites Andrea's very well in this song,hahaha. Here's the "terngiang-ngiang" line:

Seated, with a man she knows she shouldn't be with
but in his eyes, the lies surprised, something she's been needing
a certain touch within her voice can tell you what she's feeling
I want you, need you, yeah, I want you, I need you
and I'll be lying here waiting, hoping the love will come my way
but if the sun's still shining I'll save it for another day (save it for the rainy day)

9. Here with me - Dido

Love this song for giving one of the best reason to stay :)

Oh, I am what I amI do what I want, but I can't hide
I won't go, I won't sleep, I can't breathe, until you're resting here with me

8. Ring - Lobo

I'm not a country music fan, but Lobo is indeed my favorite artist. And...among all of his melancholic country songs, this one that I love the most. It tells you the story of how the two hearts meeting from the very beginning. It starts with the telephone ring, then move into the door bell ring, and then ends with the wedding bell ring. That's how this song got its name, I guess, which is kind of genius yet remain sweet.

7. Layla - Eric Clapton (Unplugged)


One of the finest song in one of the finest unplugged album ever. That's all.

6. At My Most Beautiful - REM

Every time I hear this song, I just start to daydream,hehe...the melody, the heartfelt lyric...one of the sweetest...but the heartbreaking thing about it was that it's still doubtful whether this song is dedicated to a woman or a man (hyaaa)...but surely Michael has written one of the most romantic love song ever.

I found the way to make you, I found the way....a way to make you smile
At my most beautiful, I count your eyelashes, secretly with everyone whisper I love you

5. You and I - Queen

Yeeyy...it's top 5, and it begins with one of my top favorite artists of all time, Queen. However, among all of their greatest love hits like "Love of My Life" or "Somebody to Love", I picked "You and I" as one of my top-listed-love song from their second album, "A Day at the Races". That's my fav album of Queen. About this band, I used to be some kinda non-mainstream fan because my favorite track of Queen includes this one as well as "You Take My Breath Away", "Lazying on the Sunday Afternoon", "The Millionaire Waltz", and their other classics which you may not familiar with, not like "We are the Champion" or maybe "We Will Rock You" that resound all over the world for the taste of time.

Why I picked up this song is because I secretly really hope that this will be my soundtrack someday, just exactly as it said on this song, of course with my significant others. I'm serious :D. Here's the "magical" line:

We'll go walking in....in the mooooonnnnlight
walking in the mooooonnnnlight :D

4. Baby What a Big Surprise - Chicago

If my top five was nothing but a wishful thinking, maybe it's just the way it is..at least that's what happened until this fourth position. Hope it could be true for me one day...and yeah, Chicago has one of the best musical arrangement, in my opinion. Hoist David Foster!

Yesterday it seemed to me, my life was nothing more than wasting time
but here you softly slowly change my mind.........
Baby what a big surprise, right before my very eyes......
then you came to stay
Now, it mend just like before
I think about the love I've thrown awaybut now it doesn't matter anyway

3. Behind the Lines - Genesis

Genesis is certainly my most favorite progressive rock band ever and this live album is really great, but this love song was even more special for me. This song says it all. I merely could not say much about it. It's written in the book, just like it said :)

The sunny's hotter than I have felt before, but I feel so cold, and I don't know why
If the fire within your heart can beat the storm, then I really believe, oh, you're gonna make it right
Time has come now, we got to show our feeling
but I'm looking my tune, your heart is empty
but whatever happen to you, it's too late to change now
coz' there is nowhere you can run to, no place to hide, ah, you let me down...
but I can only stay if you've the will to keep me here....Oh, Lord...
Oh, it's written in the book!

2. Till there was you - The Beatles

This simple love song has a very deep meaning, in my opinion. It tells you that you are simply nothing and not able to feel anything without the one you love the most. It's from "With The Beatles" album.

1. Still.....You Turn Me On - Emerson, Lake and Palmer

Here is the champion! I really love the way Greg wrote, arrange and sang it. It even tears me up while smiling when I listen to this piece of great art. It's not about ordinary love. It's about unconditional love. I hope someday I will love a man like this and being loved in return just like this. If I found someone like that, I think that must be the one :)

Let me tell you something, you just couldn't be wrong
You see I really have to tell you, that it all get so intense
From my experience, it just doesn't seem to make sense
but still.....you turn me on

Well, you can have your own top-listed love songs since more than 80% of the ever-been-created songs talked about love, I guess. For me, me myself could not even decide whether these songs are really as great as I put them on my list, since there are many more great love songs out there. The 311's "Love Song" is simply my favorite too with its simple yet honest lyric...many of The Corr's song will also do (maybe I should write another post specially dedicated for this band)...and don't forget about many many other Queen's or Beatles' that I have no further opinion about just because they're just simply unspeakably beautiful love songs.

Quipped Song

The girl is fool, she broke the rules, she hurt him hard
this time he will break down...
She's lost his trust and so she must, know all is lost
the system has broke down
romance has broke down....

This boy is cracking up
this boy has broken down
this boy is cracking up
this boy has broke down

she plays it hard, she plays it tough
but that's enough the love is over
she's broke his heart and that is rough
but in the end he'll soon recover
romance is over....

I've been spending my money in the old town
it's not the same, honey, with you not around
been spending my time, in the old town
sure I miss you, honey, but you're not around....


Huff....I wish I could treat my man much more better next time...and the upcoming will be my last...my and his very very last.

A Reason to Stay

I didn't hear you leave
I wonder how am I still here
and I don't wanna move a thing
it might change my memories

oh, I am what I am
I do what I want
but I can't hide

I won't go, I won't sleep, I can't breathe, until you're resting here with me
I won't leave, I can't hide, I cannot be, until you're resting here with me

My Favourite Song-quote recently

"I'd like to change my point of view. I feel so lonely, I'm waiting for you...but nothing ever happens, and I wonder.

I'm stepping around in a dessert of joy, maybe anyhow I'll get another toy, and everything will happen...and you'll wonder" Fool's Garden-Lemon Tree

"They say that I should want to stand for what I don't believe. I'm sick and thinking to myself, what kind a man could live?" Lobo-Big Red Kite

"He's lost his will, he can't decide. He doesn't know who's right or wrong. But there's one thing that he sure of, this has been going on too long" Lily Allen-Him

Summerschool

Ga biasanya saya nulis blog dengan bahasa negeri sendiri begini.
Entah kenapa setiap kali menulis sesuatu yang sifatnya non-akademis, lebih enak kalau pakai bahasa bule, kayaknya lebih eskpresif aja (atau malah bisa menyembunyikan maksud dan tujuan yang sebenarnya? hehe)
Tapi kali ini saya lagi ingin nulis blog dengan bahasa Indonesia yang ga baku. Jadi, postingan kali ini memang agak beda dari biasanya, ga cuma dari segi bahasa, tapi juga isi. Postingan kali ini lebih pengen ke arah curhat ga jelas (lah, emang biasanya tentang apa?)

Lanjut S2 keluar negeri, seperti yang jadi impian banyak orang yang saya kenal di dalam circle of friend saya, bukan menjadi impian saya sama sekali. Ada beribu alasan kenapa begitu, yang kalau dijelaskan panjang x lebar x tinggi selain ga selesai-selesai, belum tentu juga orang akhirnya ngerti. Yang jelas, keputusan saya untuk tidak mau mencari link2 atau beasiswa S2 keluar negeri sudah bulat dan merupakan keputusan yang saya pertimbangkan sejak lama sekali, lebih dari setahun yang lalu. Tapi, meskipun ga minat lanjut S2 keluar negeri, bukan berarti saya sama sekali ga minat sekolah di luar negeri looh...

Summerschool-ing. Yup, itu jawabannya. Saya memang ga mau ngejar gelar sebenarnya, tapi ngejar ilmu (uhuk-uhuk). Bahkan sebenarnya, for the sake of knowledge, saya malah pingin belajar yang lain selain ekonomi untuk ke depannya, jadi nih ilmu ga lagi dikembangkan ke analisis permintaan-penawaran, IS-LM, Solow Growth Model, dan kawan2-nya seperti dulu pas jaman S1, tapi mungkin ke psychology theory atau cabang2 social sciences lainnya. Tapi mengingat saya pingin jadi pengajar, maka kayaknya mau tak mau, suka tak suka, rela tak rela emang mesti punya gelar S2 Ekonomi. Well, intinya, dalam hidup ini saya pikir gelar akademis ga hakiki, dan oleh karenanya, summerschool menjadi alternatif saya. Enak toh, belajar paling cuma sekian bulan aja, tanpa gelar, tapi dapet ilmu, sekalian jalan2 pula, hehehe...

Pingin banget sebenarnya summerschool-ing ekonometrika. Ga umum memang, tapi bagi saya, sayang kalo summerschool itu cuma untuk belajar isu yang sifatnya "general" seperti conflict studies, humanity, governance, dsb, apalagi kalo case study atau ruang lingkup pelajarannya bukan ttg Indonesia, karena itu to some extent bisa dipelajari sendiri atau bahkan akan internalized ke dalam materi kuliah post graduate nantinya. Mendingan ngambil summerschool yang sifatnya tools aja sekalian, seperti dynamic optimization mungkin (ada ga ya?) atau topik2 econometrics (sebenarnya kadang saya bingung, saya tuh S.E. sarjana ekonomi atau sarjana ekonomet, hahahaahahaha).

Pas lagi iseng siang bolong hari sabtu gini buka2 blog yang udah debuan gara2 jarang dibuka ini, seperti biasa iseng main ke blog tetangga, dan tetangga terdekat saya (virtual maupun bukan) adalah Saudari Azia yang memang punya passion yang ga biasa terhadap Belanda entah kenapa. Nah, langsung deh ada link kompetiblog yang ngasih beasiswa summerschool ke Belanda dengan syarat nulis sesuatu yang menginspirasi orang untuk sekolah ke Belanda. Menarik, apalagi hadiah keduanya netbook dan yang ketiga iPod touch (mayanlah,hihi). Tapi kendala saya adalah:

1. Helloooo....I know nothing about Dutch, sodara2!!! Besides Arjen Robben, lampu Philips, Edam Cheese, cokelat Van Houten, dan semua cerita ttg penjajahan itu. So, how could I write anything about Dutch Innovation at all??? Memang mereka berinovasi dalam hal apa? Apa hebatnya mereka itu? hahahahaahahah

2. Salah satu kriteria penjuriannya adalah "Interaksi pemilik blog dengan pembacanya termasuk promosi tulisan melalui Facebook dan twitter". Hoalah...saya paling tidak jago dalam hal beginian. Udah nih tulisan kalaupun jadi sangat berpotensi menjadi tulisan kelas "alay", dan....saya biasanya payah dalam menggaet orang membaca tulisan saya (iya ga ya?) dan kalaupun mereka membaca tulisan saya..."mereka" alias teman2 FB saya itu biasanya malah akan kasih komen yang OOT bgt...jadi bukannya mempromosikan tulisan saya di mata juri, tapi yang ada bisa-bisa malah cuma bikin para juri geleng2 kepala, hahaha

3. Ini yang paling sensitif: me lack of passion about Dutch. Kebalikannya teman saya, saya sangat biasa2 aja sama negara yang satu ini. Kalau saya disuruh bikin tulisan semacam ini tentang negara lain seperti Italy atau yang lainnya, saya mungkin lebih punya ide. Tapi Dutch??? umm...sekarat ide!!! ><

tapiii....ada beberapa program yang menarik hati saya di Utrecht Univ. seperti Multivariate Analysis atau Multilevel Analysis....jadi pengen...sejenak melepaskan kehidupan di Depok dan Salemba,hwehehehe.... gimana dong jadinya ini saudara2??? Aku mauuuu....tapi maluuuuuu.......

(btw, bahasa saya udah nyaingin cincay laurah belom??? udah kayak es campur ini... wkwkwkwk)

Look

Look at the corner of your room, maybe you'll find the dust
Look at some of those photographs, maybe you'll find the emptiness
Look at the stories I love, maybe you'll find out what I'm talking about
Look at the people around you, maybe you'll find out how much they care about you

Look out to your soul sincerely, maybe you'll find the honesty
Look out to me within, maybe you'll find some place that you can fill in

and, look out again to your faith, maybe you'll pray for Him immediately to be with me only...

For the love of my life, whenever I may find you

I'm not looking for someone to talk to, I've got my friends, I'm more than okay
I've got more than a girl could wish for, I live my dreams, but it's not all they say
still I believe
I'm missing something real
I need someone who really sees me...

Don't wanna wake up alone anymore...
still believing you'll walk through my door
all I need is to know it's for sure, then I'll give....all the love in the world

I often wondered if love's an illusion
just to get you through the loneliest days...
I can't criticized it, I had no hesitation
my imagination just stole me away...

Still I believe...I'm missing something real...
I need someone who really sees me

don't wanna wake up alone anymore...
still believing you'll walk through my door
all I need is to know it's for sure, then I'll give....all the love in the world

Love for a lifetime, not for a moment, so how could I throw it away?
I'm only human, and nights grow colder, with no one who loves me that way...
yeah I need someone who really sees me...

Hey I won't wake up alone anymore...
still believing you'll walk through my door...
you'll reach for me and I'll know it's for sure
then I'll give....all the love in the world...


for my future hubby, wherever I may find you...

Direct

Is it wise enough to say that I'm better off without you?
Is it cool enough to fake? Coz all that I've been breathing is about you.
Is it cool enough to flow from the head until my toe
but somehow I don't really know, coz all that I've been doing is without you

Is that you inside my head?
Is that you inside who said I've become someone else

and on and on my mind keep says "This is not..." but I believe that this is where it ends.
and on and on my mind is made up that this weird never stops...
alone....again...alone...again...

Is that you inside my head?

Pinkerton: The Rivers' End

Pinkerton, the second album of Weezer, which was released at September 1996, is the most enchanting album of them for me. It was released just after Rivers Cuomo, the frontman of Weezer, had begun his study at Harvard University. Despite its bearish selling, actually one of the worst selling album of Weezer, it's really emotional and personal that make it the best Weezer album ever for me.

This album is named after the the character B.F. Pinkerton from Puccini's opera Madame Butterfly, and the album plays as a concept album based loosely around the opera. Just like the opera itself, this album is much affected by the Japanese culture. Its cover is Kambara yoru no yuki ("Night Snow at Kambara"), a print by Japanese ukiyo-e artist Hiroshige. The Japanese concept of this album may have been chosen based on the Japanese content of the songs inside.

Rivers' passion about Japanese culture (and woman) is no secret anymore. He's really up into the Japanese culture and sometimes he even sings one or two lines of Japanese nursery rhymes in Weezer concert. However, his passion about Japanese things in this album was quite specific, since it mainly talked about love. His personal style of writing in this album revealed his sensitive side as a normal man, who wants to love and being loved by a woman of his life. His searching of a soul-mate finally paid off about ten years after this album release, for he was finally married to a Japanese (oh, finally, the Japanese again) woman and settle down, just like he wanted to be in this album. Here is some of the songs of Pinkerton that I loved the most:

1. Across the Sea

Actually, this is my most favorite song in this album, maybe the best Weezer song ever for me. I really love the story behind this song. This song is based on Rivers' true story about a Japanese fan who send letters to him. Just like another ordinary girl, this girl wanted to know anything about Rivers. His birthday, his hobby, his favorite food (well, at that time, there was no facebook whatsoever so you can't guess and has to do some old fashioned things like sending letters). Rivers, however, fell in love with this girl just because of reading her letters. So, he started to have a fantasy about this girl but at the same time realizing the truth that he would never be with her, as he really did not know any real thing about the girl. Well, she could be a mad man and pretended to be a teenage girl, who knows? The girl said that she was 18 year old, but as Rivers said, she could even be just 13 or 14 year old and pretend to be older. Anyway, besides the physical distance between them, there was also an age gap, since Rivers was 26 at that time, and he felt that he was too older for her. All of those thought seemed frustrated him a lot and he pitied himself on this song, emotionally.

After all, in my opinion, this song was about nothing but a loneliness. How come a rich and famous man fell in love so deeply to a girl that he doesn't even know anything about, just because some letters, if he is not in a deep despair of searching a true love?


2. El Scorcho

This song is started by a wacky drum beat and then you can hear Brian Bell (the guitarist) said "El Scorcho...Rock and Roll" with awkward voice. That witty beginning is followed by hilarious look that Rivers made in the video clip and then a "swear" word about a girl. Yeah, this is another song about a girl, (again) a Japanese girl. It was about a man who fell in love with a girl but didn't know what to do, and so did the girl. So, it was like a dead-end love story. But, this song has a sequel, so we can get another piece of the story from that. Its sequel was believed to be "Falling for You" track. Both of those songs used the same phrase to express the feeling, that is "falling for you".

3. Pink Triangle

Although "El Scorcho" and "Falling for You" are connected, but in this album, they are separated with this song. This is another favorite song of mine from Weezer and also based on Rivers' personal experience. As the songs above explained, at that time, Rivers was (at least) a bit lonely man who was looking for his true love. Then this song is started with "When I'm stable long enough, I start to look around for love". Yes, after officially had been a Harvard student, Rivers started to look for a girl in his college. It is said that he met several "potential" girls that he did not brave enough to make a move into. However, he finally found a girl in his campus whom he thought he search for. Unfortunately, that girl is a lesbian and so Rivers again came into a heartache. That's this song is all about.

4. Falling for You

As explained before, this is a sequel of "El Scorcho". In this song, the man in question finally has summoned the courage to speak to the girl, but he is now questioning himself on whether he deserves his position, and how to deal with it. The girl is said to be much younger than him, so that he was a little bit afraid of that condition, although he likes that girl too much. The man also started to think to marry that young girl, "get fat and old" with her as he was really desperate to settle down. However, their age gap made him feel so tangled since he felt that the girl may deserve a brighter future ahead, and also he thought that he, as an "old goat", didn't deserve to be a man for such a "young chick". Therefore, the man is afraid that he is falling for her, as the song said "my baby I'm afraid I'm falling for you...". Quite funny,though.

5. Butterfly

Finally, this personal album is ended by this song. "Butterfly" is told from Pinkerton's point of view in the opera Madame Butterfly. Known for its sincere lyrics and simplicity, "Butterfly" remains Weezer's only completely acoustic song to be commercially released.(Source : www.weezerpedia.com)

The album is actually containing ten songs, but here, I only give a review of my favorite tracks. You can also try to hear another songs from this album which are also good. As I said before, despite its emotional background, this album had a commercial failure. Rivers said that he would never want to write with such personal style anymore. And yes, I didn't find another Weezer songs that has such personal style like this album's anymore, and it make me love this album even more.

NB: All of the italic lines between brackets in this post were taken from its lyrics.

Here is "Across the Sea" for your eagerness to finish reading this post. Thank you very much!